If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing - (1 Corinthians 13:3)
This verse made me pondered for a while, it made me think if I had been spending time serving in vain – not that the work of the gospel is vanity (I Corinthians 15:58: ), but rather have I used to work so hard that I end up not loving others?
It struck me hard when I see my total negligence toward the family. There were times I could have helped to release my mother’s burden cleaning the floor, washing dishes, and drying clothes. Simple things even included informing her of my departure and arrival back home, telling them my plans for the week so that they have to worry less.
If I had gave my all for the ministry, worked late at night to do sound for a event so that the gospel would be shared, but have not bothered to meet the needs of people (especially my closest ones), I would have gained nothing.
“I don’t feel like you are a part of us anymore,” my mom sighed.
If my whole life is meant to be a ministry, if I have been freed to love others (Galatians 5:13-15), why then is my love for the family neglected? How can I say I love people when clearly this is not shown in my family life?
Recently my mother, brother and I had been debating over me going to project serve instead of finding a job or taking music theory exam. They talked about how getting a job would equip me to face the world, “would allow you to experience the social experience besides getting yourself some pocket money.”
I know where they are coming from, they wanted me to be realistic, if I can’t support myself, how am I to support others? But what if there was something else that could allow me to earn pocket money, and learn to do ministry, how is that not equipping??!! I couldn’t square it off, so I insisted on.
Then she talked about me serving in PArts, spending too much time and doing things you are good at (technically I’m not good to begin with). And she observe I work late every night till 2am, and so being an concerned parent, with worries of me entering the hospital again, she insisted that I not serve.
Yes I agree I love doing sound and love music as well (these are skills I’m somewhat equipped with), but doing these things for the sake of the gospel is hardly comfortable. It is easy to do these things for my own recognition and my own enjoyment, after all that’s what a chao lang is good at, but keeping your conscious clear, doing it constantly with servant-hood is impossible for me if not for His Grace. If I as a volunteer have already been taken out of my comfort zone by just being involved for a few days, I dare say project serve would bring me exponentially further form my comfort zone everyday.
So I asked how is Project Serve different from working overtime and sometimes even to the weekends in the normal environment. And once again she would say a Christian environment is a protected environment and I won’t get to experience the “full intensity of sin”.
Then I again, I stood back and think, would not sin be present even among Christian as well? Is there even suppose to be a level or intensity against sin? Sin is sin, there is no bad sin or worst sin, they just manifest in different forms (Gal 5:19-21). In the working place, it can be outwardly harming others for one’s benefit. In church, it’s even subtler. We often see good deeds done, but we never see the motives behind it. I would say it is hard to deal with sin in both environments, one in an environment where you are tempted to sin, another environment where there are chances of false assurance. Either way, we’ll just have a fair share of exposure to sin, either way we have to guard our hearts.
She later links it to say that these skills that you learn will then enable you to be an efficient ministry worker. But as I pondered further about what she said, I begin to question, if we say that the gospel is sufficient, would wanting to get a job or taking other qualifications for this reason prove otherwise?
And so I asked, and she said, “the gospel is sufficient for your living, but in order to reach out to the people in the world, you will have to further equip yourself.”
I couldn’t totally agree all the statement she said. I find that you do not necessarily need work experiences or certain qualifications to share the gospel. Yes, these are helpful (and yes I should be reading the papers more often) to create a heart bridge, but these are not everything. If I have all these and no knowledge to share the gospel, I would have worked and studied in vain. Moreover, I don’t see why I should forgo work to study the gospel; it is after all a never-ending breath that gives lives to us. Plus if finance were an issue, how would project serve not qualify as a solution?
The debate could go on and on, and it did. But the main issue was not these. It was how I could have spent my time loving my family instead of doing something else. I am busy, yes as always, but never for the right things. And it was for fear that I neglected the family that lead to this objection to Project Serve in the first place.
It took me 3 weeks to realize that the root issue behind this argument was not about opportunity cost, it was poor prioritizing and management of time. All things lead back to one verse: Matthew 6:21. I know not very clearly what I have been treasuring, for it seems to keep changing. But I know for sure that my life certainly did not reflect Christ as my treasure.
So with this problem, all that was left to do is to deal with it, since I know that this is an issue to resolve, I cannot deny the responsibility yet be accountable to God with justifiable reason. I hereby repent and pray for God to aid me in this issue, to enable me to willingly make a change, to soften my hardened heart and open my eyes from blindness of my own sin. But I have a hope, a strong hope that the Lord will continue sanctify me and challenge me to continue to think, not for myself, but for others and I am confident that he will do the same to those who believe and are struggling with sin.
Even though I prove myself to be pretty much a failure as a Christian, I certainly glad I am one, for it is no longer my own efforts to change me, but God’s. I will gladly boast in this sin, not because I proud of it (in fact I am ashamed), but because it will show clearly what the Lord has done (1 Cor 12:9) that all men might praise God for His enduring Love and never ending mercy upon a crook like myself.
