O level results will be released tmr!!!
Lol...some say that it will be released at 9am, but my school is going to release these results at 2pm instead so it should keep everyone in longer suspense :P. But not for me, I wouldn’t mind if the results were released sooner or later, it’s strange that I dun seem to be worried about the results at all such that I find it hard to empathise with the rest of my friends anxiously waiting for the results, calling me and ask : “ So Leon, do you feel anxious that the results are going to be released?”
And my reply would be: “No, not really. I guess I have done my best for the O’s, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
Sometimes I wonder if what I said was true. Did I really do my best during the O’levels? Or am I saying that because there is no hope for the O’levels? It sometimes feels weird when you honestly ask yourself these questions. Well, it’s not that I don’t care about my results at all, I do, and in fact a lot, not only does it show me how I have fared for Secondary education but it also determine whether I get in to the courses I want in poly or alternatively the JCs I want (if I score 7 pts below) through the Joint Admission Exercise (JAE). Therefore, it is important that I get my results back.
I suppose the reason why I am not anxious fearful of my result is probably because there’s nothing really I can do much about my O’level results. I mean there is no way I can bribe the Cambridge markers to give me an A1 grade for all subject (even if there is I won’t -integrity). So with that, I shall just entrust my results to the Lord and know that he is always in full control every situation no matter how bad it is.
This past few months have been a very impactful period for most of us I suppose, for most of my friends, they have really changed in maturity since the last time I met them. Perhaps it due to their job experience that they turn from slackers to diligent workers. For others, it’s from muggers to couch potatoes worrying for their O’s – well at least they finally learned how to relax :P .
Well, for me, I have not been blogging for a extremely long time, not because I was trying to earn pocket-money, but rather I was ‘serving’ in the SYFC’s Performing Arts (PArts) ministry’s Short Serve in organising a mini-BBQ and a mini performance and ski put up by us for our friends, the event was called See A Clearer Christmas. In this, we hope to not only share the Christmas story aka Message aka Gospel to them but also to grow spiritually among ourselves as we work as bros and sis in Christ to do the work of God. For non-Christians need the gospel to be save while Christians need the gospel to grow. :)
Well, for the sharing part, it was a little disappointing because I did not exactly have a very good response there. Nevertheless, I know that it is not by our abilities that “convert” people into Christians but the Work of God in their lives. Intellectual wisdom does not produce faith but the Spirit is capable of changing hearts. The gospel has power and the gospel is power, we are just messengers who share the message just as it is and let the gospel do its work of transformation. So I pray for my friends that God will one day soften their hearts and open their minds to receive the gospel and be changed by it. :)
But I guess more importantly for myself, I have finally realised how I had been rejecting God this past few years of being a Christian, living my life without a true hope, blinded and fearful. That was when Randy (my boss) pulled me out after the event told me about my problem.
This is what I can roughly recall. He said, “I may not have known you as well as I know Seb and Alwin(my band mates), but from the time before short serve until now (end of short serve), I have seen them grow as Christians but I don’t see any of that in you...to put it explicitly, you love music, you love yourself more than you love God and Men. There had been many opportunities given to Love your fellow Christian (through talking with them I think during break time) but yet you chose do otherwise (to play the guitar during break time)...Leon, what’s stopping you from doing the right thing which God wants you to do.”
It can be seen as scolding but in a loving way – perhaps challenging me to think. I really thank God Randy did that or I would have been living my life and serving in church (as an audio technician) without a direction and purpose. This had always been the problem I had seen young, the fear of over commitments, fear of failures and mistakes and the need to be assured of my own confidence (meaning that I need ppl to tell me I’m good before I believe that I’m good). There also seem to be a barrier between my brothers and I as I tend to put on a ‘desired’ front to impress my bros to show my passion for Christ when I may not be. I have build this barrier in me, a barrier to hide my true self, a barrier to hide my weaknesses and appear to be superior to others, a barrier build by my own pride. This was why I was unwilling to share during devotions and sharing of fear that I might look bad in front of others. I had always wanted others to see me as a worthy person where in fact we are all of the same worth as God’s creation and people. Indeed, as I continue reflect on what I have been doing during this short serve, I realised that my focus was not on God. My focus was on playing music! All along I had used my service to God as a means to play music rather than using music as a means to serve God. Indeed, I loved music, I loved myself more than I loved God and loved my brothers and sisters and Christ.
I believe there were also other problems that I still have in me, of which some I may not know or may have forgotten, perhaps similar problems just shown in different context. To these problems there must be a solution right? So thus my New Year resolutions are:
1. Being honest with God, being honest with men
2. Putting my faith in God, rather than your own self confidence
Okay, basically being honest with God means to hide nothing from him, simply put it. Often of times, I would always hint to God that I wanted my own personal space to deal with my own personal problems by myself, often rejecting the help he offers me because I did not want to depend on God’s help (perhaps thinking that I have not played my part in my own problems when God comes to help). I always wanted to do things on my own before seeking for help if things go beyond my control---which often leads to failures. Because of this I was afraid of failing, afraid that I would lose face and lose my worth as Leon. Thus, I sometimes put up a strong front in front of others to cover up for my weaknesses, thus also being dishonest with men. To do so, I must first acknowledge that I need help and SEEK help from God, in prayer and petition, being willing to humble myself in front of God to know I cannot make it without God. From there, I will then be more willing to seek help from older bros in Christ to help me with my problems, as mentioned above. Another perspective I look at this would be also sharing these problems to peers with the same interest, to allow them to learn from my mistakes, my sins and thus also encourage one another to continually grow in Christ.
Putting my confidence on God is something I learned during a lunch meeting with Moses (my Bible Study leader). I shared to him about how I was worried that I was not ready to receive a Bible Study (BS) contact, basically not ready to be a BS leader because of the problems I have, as mentioned previously, about how I was unable to do God’s work naturally.
That was when he asked me, “How long does it take for one to learn how to be a true Christian?”
“A lifetime,” I replied
And indeed, it is true. As the Chinese saying goes “活到老，学到老” (live till you’re old, learn till you’re old). Indeed we grow as a Christian so long as we continue to live as one. That’s why we always need the Gospel, to grow. I realised that I usually dared not try new things, like leading in a BS group or sharing the gospel because I did not have the confidence to, in contrast to music where all my confidence seems to be found. Thus, in things we are called to do that we feel that we aren’t good at, we should learn to trust in the Lord that he will continue to guide us slowly and transform us to be more Christ-like in accordance to His plan for us, thus relying on Him and His word to change us daily and not on our own strength, for we ourselves can never reach God’s standard with our own abilities.
So for the year 2010, whether I will end up in Music and Audio Tech or Audio-Visual Tech or even JC. I will to continue to trust in the Lord that he will not just ‘groom’ me into a better Christian, but to slowly reveal himself to me through His word, that I will be honest with Him and His People, Rely on His Power to do His work and to live a life of a Redeemed Chao Lang*!
*Chao Lang(smelly man)- a person who cares for himself only
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